How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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