I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
