I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
love makes seman taste better
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
