I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
