I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
