One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
