I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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