When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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