I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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