good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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