we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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