that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
