Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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