i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
