those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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