I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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