My hair reeks of homosexuality.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
