I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
