last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
