You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
