you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
