I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
