Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
