i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize