I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
