Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
