this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
