my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
