he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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