At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
