every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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