My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
