You really coming over, don't trick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
