wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
