That's when you crack a 10am beer
love makes seman taste better
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
