he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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