Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
