I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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