he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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