im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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