How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
