The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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