I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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