I want to walk on stilts...naked
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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