i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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