my soul wont recognize me after tonight
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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