i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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