Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
