Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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