Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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