i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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