ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I AM VODKA MAN
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
