I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
