I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
