So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
