explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am naked and annoyed.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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