sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
