I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
