Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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