Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
