Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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