why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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