I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
