Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
