don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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